Offensive Cross-stitch (NSFW-ish)


Wait, what? A multidisciplinary hooker? Of course! So many crafts, so little time…

I had seen this wonderful cross-stitch when I was looking at different designs and thought it was hilarious. How could I not? Then I showed it to my husband and since his brother’s birthday was coming up and we knew he would I decided I would go ahead and make this one up. One problem… no free pattern. I certainly wasn’t going to pay the $6 or so for it. Not for just the one. So, one night when I found myself needing something to do I printed off a basic cross-stitch graph paper (memo to self, buy some) and proceeded to make my own version.
By no means am I an expert! I’m providing the pdf of what I did in case others want to use it. If you are looking for perfection, this hooker most certainly isn’t it. If you want though, here is the downloadable version I did.

click here to download

Happy hooking… or cross-stitiching….

Granny’s Backyard Blanket


IMG_4477 IMG_4476

So this was an idea I had when trying to think of more ways to use up the stash of yarn I have residing in my house. Nothing special about this one, just a bunch of granny squares.

You are going to need a total of 70 squares to make up this blanket like I did. Now, you can always choose to do it differently, but I’m going to keep these instructions to what I did for this blanket.

Blanket measures 76″ tall by 46″ wide
Made with stash worsted weight yarn and H size hook

If you need a how to for the squares:

As far as how big I made the squares, I did a total of six rounds which makes it to on the last round you have four groups of three in-between the corners. I choose to change colors every two rounds, making as many different combinations as I could.

You will need a total of:
30 blue colored granny squares
26 green colored granny squares
5 brown colored granny squares

Now for the special granny squares. Just keep in mind to make them the same size as the plain ones. Just continue with the granny square pattern as needed.

1 owl granny square (
4 of this flower granny square (
4 of this flower granny square (

Now, for the fun part! Sewing all these together! Yeah… Now I used the ladder method of invisible join. I prefer it, but if you don’t choose what works for you. Use the picture of the pattern for placement.

Finally done sewing? Now for the boarder. First three rows are basically the granny square pattern around the whole blanket.
Join in one of the corners, ch 3, 2 DC, ch 2, 3 DC. Ch 1
*In next space 3 DC, ch 1 and repeat until the corner
In corner, 3 DC, ch 2, 3 DC, ch 1* repeat around.
Now, the only thing is where two squares meet up. You are going to see the corner of one next to the corner of the other separated by the seam of sewing them together. Do your first DC in the first corner. Then you are going to do a DC tog (yarn over, insert hook in first corner, yarn over and pull through the corner. Now yarn over and pull through two loops. Yarn over and insert hook through next corner and pull through the corner. Now yarn over and pull through two loops. Yarn over and pull through the rest of the loops.) the last DC in the group will be in the second corner.

Pictures for reference:

IMG_20150207_160851 IMG_20150207_160905 IMG_20150207_160929 IMG_20150207_161001

Last round of the boarder
Start in a corner, ch 3, 6dc, ch 1
*in next space SC, ch1.  Then in next space 5dc* continue until corner. The corner will have 7 DC in each. However I did have it happen where I didn’t end with the SC before the corner. If this happens just put the SC, ch 1 in the last DC before the corner, 7dc, ch 1, SC in first DC, ch 1.


And you are done!
Mad hooking!